apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize