Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
