the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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