She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
