What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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