I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
