My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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