I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
