I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize