I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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