Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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