How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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