Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
