she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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