There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
