I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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