I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
