you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I need a burrito and a hug.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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