my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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