I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
