have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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