come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
