Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
