he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
