At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
