I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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