Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
