so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
