so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
