You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize