Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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