Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
