I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
