I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
