just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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