I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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