It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
