I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
