Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
