I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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