The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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