just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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