We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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