I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
