Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
