one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm like, not good at living.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
