i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
