He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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