What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
