Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I have feelings that need drinking.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
