new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
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