Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Randomize
