Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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