I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
