I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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