wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
