All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
After last night, I could never be a politician.
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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