The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
tell me about the eggs
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
