Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just pynch a tree in the face
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
