when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
