think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
