Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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