i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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