I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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