My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
