I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
