My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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