Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
