meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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