Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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