I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
