I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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